Why we gather
We gather because we need each other.
The need is old, and it’s well documented. Here’s what we know about loneliness, about mattering, and about what a gathering can give the people in it.
What’s underneath
The loneliness underneath.
We’re more digitally connected than ever, and more starved for real connection than ever. The U.S. Surgeon General’s 2023 advisory, Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation, found that about one in two U.S. adults report loneliness, and that was before COVID made it worse.1
The advisory compared the health toll of disconnection to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day, and linked it to heart disease, dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety, and premature death.1 People told the Surgeon General they felt isolated, invisible, and insignificant.
The advisory calls for a culture of connection. gather& is one practical way to build it.
What we’re hungry for
To matter.
Humans want to feel appreciated, significant, invested in, and depended on. Researchers call it mattering: the personal sense of feeling significant and valued by other people.2 A person who matters feels important, visible, and heard. A person who doesn’t feels unimportant, invisible, and unheard.
Mattering is distinct from self-esteem. It predicts outcomes that self-regard doesn’t, and it works as a kind of psychological shield against stress.2 It matters across the whole span of life.
Connection protects the body, too. The Harvard Study of Adult Development has followed people for nearly 80 years. Its current director, Robert Waldinger, sums up the finding plainly: good relationships keep us happier and healthier.3 It’s the quality of our closest relationships that counts, more than the number of friends we have.
What happened
Our gatherings drifted away from people.
Many gatherings run on inherited scripts, and we go through the motions. Details get chosen for the photo instead of the people, the Instagram effect. The gift can matter more than the person receiving it. Whole industries sell a package, the $10,000 dress, the $10,000 casket. And most of us were never taught another way.
A baby shower centered on decor misses that a person is being born. A wedding centered on the seating chart misses the actual beginning of two people’s life together.
gather& doesn’t take away the decor, the food, or the fun. It ties them to the purpose of the gathering.
So we ask one question, with curiosity and never pressure: What would this gathering look like if it were designed around the people in it? Answering it can mean one small change or a complete reimagining. Both count.
What gathering can give you
Five things a good gathering gives.
Each one answers a human need. Here’s why each one matters.
Need 1
Feeling CONNECTED
Every person at a gathering arrives with a need: the honoree, the guests, and the host. When those needs go unnamed, a gathering follows the script and people leave unchanged.
Belonging sits near the center of human need. A gathering designed around the people in it is one of the few places we can meet that need together.
There is no connection without naming the need.
Step one of the method: Start with the Need.
Need 2
Feeling SEEN
To be seen is to be noticed for who you really are. The stories people tell about you show you that you matter.
The research on mattering is plain about the stakes: feeling that you don’t matter is a profound vulnerability, and feeling that you do is a source of resilience.2
The stories show each person that they matter.
Step two: Gather the Stories.
Need 3
Feeling HELD
To be held is to be supported in community. A ritual is a set of actions done in the same way and the same order every time, aimed at a purpose. Its predictability makes it easier for everyone to feel comfortable, so people know how to take part.
Researchers who reviewed the psychology of ritual found that rituals help people regulate strong emotions and strengthen social connection, and that they tend to appear when we feel anxious or uncertain.4 Close relationships help us thrive in good times as well as hard ones.5 Being held at a graduation is as real as being held at a funeral.
A predictable ritual makes it easier for everyone to take part.
Step three: Design the Rituals.
Need 4
Feeling JOY and AWE
Joy is deeper than happiness: more intense, more spontaneous, and communal. You can pass joy on, and it can share a room with grief.6
Awe is the moment people slow down and take in the significance of what’s happening, whether it’s something vast, like a room singing together, or very small, like a newborn’s hand. You can’t guarantee joy or awe, but planning with intention paves the way.
Choosing joy is a decision not to let the busyness or the hard parts of life decide how you experience a day.
Step four: Build in Delight.
Need 5
Inspired into action
The first four fill us up. The last is where we turn outward and pass it on. Having felt connected, seen, held, and moved, a person becomes a contributor.
Researchers who study generativity describe a concern for the generations that follow, rooted in a need to be needed.7 And giving fills the giver: in a well-known set of experiments, people who spent money on others were happier than people who spent it on themselves.8
What we carry forward moves beyond us.
Step five: Carry Forward.
Where to start
What we hear, and where to begin.
I’m hosting because it’s expected, and I’m exhausted.
Start with the Need, including yours.
I’d rather not go. I won’t know what to say or do.
Design the Rituals shows everyone how to take part.
When it’s my turn to say something, I freeze.
Start with the free guide on what to say.
I’m not sure anyone sees me.
I’m not sure what the point is.
Carry Forward gives the moment a point beyond the day.
Sources
Where this comes from.
- U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory (2023), Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation. Dr. Vivek Murthy.
- Flett, G. L. (2022). “An Introduction, Review, and Conceptual Analysis of Mattering as an Essential Construct and an Essential Way of Life.” Journal of Psychoeducational Assessment.
- Robert Waldinger and the Harvard Study of Adult Development.
- Hobson, N. M., Schroeder, J., Risen, J. L., Xygalatas, D., & Inzlicht, M. (2017). “The Psychology of Rituals: An Integrative Review and Process-Based Framework.” Personality and Social Psychology Review.
- Feeney, B. C., & Collins, N. L. (2015). “Thriving through relationships.” Current Opinion in Psychology.
- Roberts & Appiah (2025). “The complexities of joy.” International Journal of Qualitative Studies on Health and Well-being.
- McAdams, D. P., Hart, H. M., & Maruna, S. “The Anatomy of Generativity.”
- Dunn, E. W., Aknin, L. B., & Norton, M. I. (2008). “Spending Money on Others Promotes Happiness.” Science.
Start where you are
One small change counts.
Letters from Amber and Molly on what gathering can give you and the people you bring together: a story, a ritual to try, and what we’re learning as we write the book.